I went to a ladies retreat last week. The topic of the retreat was on fear. I didn't really feel I had a lot of fears. My big one was worrying that my hair was falling out and how I would look bald. But then came Sunday. Nothing fearful happened on Sunday, I just remembered how Sundays use to be for me.
In India I was fearful. The roads scared me. So driving to church on Sunday morning was sometimes too much for me. I would skip church just so I didn't have to go in the car. I was scared of road rage I guess. I had seen angry people do some pretty crazy stuff. I remember when I was driving and Micah was in the front seat and we saw a motorcycle get pushed off the road into a pile of bricks. The motorcyclist was okay. He got up and picked up a brick and charged for the car with his arm raised like he was going to smash the other driver with it. I remember Micah slouching down in the seat as we watched in horror. I remember our friend coming over with a cut face because a driver got mad at him and slugged him in the face. I remember our first few months in India and the time a man came up to our driver and yelled at him. I didn't want to see Steve get hurt or to have Micah see it. So I wanted Steve to drive very calmly and cautiously. But he didn't see my fear. So most times we were together in the car, I was uptight.
And then there was church. I was fearful in church. I remember that first year in India when the church in Pakistan was attacked and several people were killed. The church that was attacked was a church that foreigners went to. So sometimes when tensions were high and security along with it, I would be fearful at church. And when there was any commotions during the service my blood pressure went up. I imagined us dropping to the floor to avoid being shot. I would cover Micah with my body. We went to a well known international church without security so it seemed like an easy target.
As I sat in church last Sunday I realized how unafraid I was. I was calm. The drive there was easy and I had no stress. My only uneasiness is the social time after church, but I'm working on that.
In India I was fearful. The roads scared me. So driving to church on Sunday morning was sometimes too much for me. I would skip church just so I didn't have to go in the car. I was scared of road rage I guess. I had seen angry people do some pretty crazy stuff. I remember when I was driving and Micah was in the front seat and we saw a motorcycle get pushed off the road into a pile of bricks. The motorcyclist was okay. He got up and picked up a brick and charged for the car with his arm raised like he was going to smash the other driver with it. I remember Micah slouching down in the seat as we watched in horror. I remember our friend coming over with a cut face because a driver got mad at him and slugged him in the face. I remember our first few months in India and the time a man came up to our driver and yelled at him. I didn't want to see Steve get hurt or to have Micah see it. So I wanted Steve to drive very calmly and cautiously. But he didn't see my fear. So most times we were together in the car, I was uptight.
And then there was church. I was fearful in church. I remember that first year in India when the church in Pakistan was attacked and several people were killed. The church that was attacked was a church that foreigners went to. So sometimes when tensions were high and security along with it, I would be fearful at church. And when there was any commotions during the service my blood pressure went up. I imagined us dropping to the floor to avoid being shot. I would cover Micah with my body. We went to a well known international church without security so it seemed like an easy target.
As I sat in church last Sunday I realized how unafraid I was. I was calm. The drive there was easy and I had no stress. My only uneasiness is the social time after church, but I'm working on that.
