Tortured for Christ

I hate going to the doctor for ladies.  HATE HATE HATE  It has always been my least favorite thing to do.  I would rather jump out of a plane.  But yesterday I had to go.  Every 5 years I have to visit the torture chamber and my time was up.  I tell myself to imagine I am being tortured for Christ.  Well I realized yesterday that I will not survive being tortured for Christ.

I chose a doctor based on her picture on the hospital website as to who looked the nicest.  Well, when I called to make the appointment the doctor wasn't available, so I just took whoever they gave me.  She looked nice when I saw her.  And really, she was nice.  But she wasn't gentle.  And being gentle is more important to me in this position.

I explained to the doctor what I needed done and she told me that usually they do it under anesthesia.  But I told her that I had done it twice without being put under and I knew it would cost a lot more, so she agreed to do it in her office.  Actually, we had to go to the exam room down the hall.  I was told to get undressed.  No gown was handed to me.  The doctor and two nurses did not leave the room.  We just all stood there while I dropped my drawers and climbed on the table.

Then the torture began.  She got her sharp metal instrument ready and cleaned me with iodine.  I squirmed and tightened all the muscles in my body.  That did not help with the exam, which hadn't started yet.  But neither did the shaky bed I was laying on or the wall I was pushed against.  The doctor decided I needed to be on a better table, with better light, and stir-ups.  So I got dressed and headed to the labor and delivery room.  I again had to get undressed in front of several ladies and jump on a table.  But the stir-ups did not keep me from pushing as far away from the doctor as I could and I told her it would be better if I had the anesthesia.  I got dressed and dejectedly walked out of the hospital, trying hard to hold my tears in and push it all deep inside me.

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God Loves Me

I am reading a Brennan Manning book right now and really enjoying it.  It is a daily devotional called "The Rabbi's Heartbeat".  One of the first lessons is on our shame and God's love.  It really spoke to me.  Here is just one line from the book.
    "God loves who we really are - whether we like it or not, and calls us to come out of hiding into a safe place."

Last week I posted something on Facebook that shocked people.  I just wrote about poop.  To me it is no big deal and even funny.  I mean, we all poop.  But someone thought it was inappropriate and asked me to remove it.  I was a bit surprised at this and thought maybe she was joking in asking me to remove it.  But she was serious.  I didn't mind removing it because I don't want to offend people and it is really no big deal.  But I am surprised how it made me feel.  I felt shame.  Like I did something wrong.

Shame is a familiar feeling that raises it's head in my life over and over again.  I have gone to lots of counseling and have never figured out where it comes from and why it is there.  So instead of trying to figure out why I have shame I am trying to learn to not let it come out anymore.  Brennan Manning speaks a lot about this.

It is easy for me to try to be that perfect woman who does all the right things and says all the right things.  But that isn't the real me.  I am not perfect.  And I don't have to be perfect for God to accept me.  So if I am living my life for the purpose of pleasing others, I will fail.  But if I live my life to be accepted by God, I win.  And it is much easier.  I have already won.

Burqa Ladies

When we left India to go to Thailand (see post below) there was an interesting observation I made at the immigration counter.  There were two ladies who were in complete burqas that covered their face down to their feet.  I asked our immigration officer how they deal with burqas.  The immigration lady said with a laugh, "We need to figure that out still."  They just let them go right on through without matching their passport to their face.  I immediately thought about how easy it would be to traffick people to other countries.  It also seems like a security violation.  And an easy way for criminals to leave the country.

Thailand

We went to Thailand over the holidays to renew our visa and to visit our besties there.  LOVE LOVE LOVE Thailand!  We stayed at a cheapo hotel (because I am the one who books our hotel) and it came with a free fish foot spa.  That was a highlight of our first few days.  We all laughed at the tickle that came when the fish kissed our feet.  Then we took a 10 hour bus ride to Chiang Mai that turned into a 14 hour ride, arriving at 4AM.  We got to listen to loud Thai movies most of the ride.  We stopped once for a potty break and a food break.  I ate something very spicy and got back on the bus.  We arrived exhausted.

Steve does more activities then I do.  He and Micah went and played airsoft with our friends.  Steve went out to a pub to listen to a jazz band or something.  Then he rented a motorcycle and went on a day trip in the mountain with the guys.  He bought some honey, but we never got to try it since it broke in Micah's bag on the flight home.

I hung out with my pal, Jen.  We got a massage that was fun.  We went to a house-warming gathering for a friend of hers.  And we hung out in the kitchen and talked.

What I love about Thailand, besides our friends, is that we can be outside.  Micah rode a bike, I went for a walk, and Steve rode the motorcycle.  I LOVED seeing Micah play outside.

We returned to Bangkok on another 10 hour bus ride and went to another cheap hotel.  We did our final shopping and got our needed socks, underwear, and a bunch of other stuff that is just more convenient to buy at a big store.  I drank a thai iced tea almost every day.  I love the ones that are made on the street corners outside.  And we always end our trip with a burger at Burger King at the airport while we wait for our flight.

See you in a year, Thailand!